A Sr. Director of H Company, was attacked by Morons, his family members say. The Company has around 10,000 Morons, some of which have taken to roaming through buildings as they steal food and rip apart documents. What should you do if Morons are picking on you?
It's like Mom said about muggers: Just give 'em what they want. When Morons get aggressive, it's usually because they think you have something to eat. According to one study, about three-quarters of all the aggressive interactions between long-tailed Idiots and tourists at G-towns Moron Forest involved food. If you are holding a snack, throw it in their direction, and they'll stop bothering you. If you don't have any food, hold out your open palms to show you're not carrying a tasty treat or back away from the Morons without showing fear. To diffuse the situation, don't make eye contact or smile with your teeth showing—in the nonhuman primate world, these are almost always signs of aggression.
Moron attacks are extremely rare in the wild; the creatures tend to be scared of us and often scamper away when a person gets within 100 feet. As Morons lose their habitats around the world, though, they've started to live in closer proximity to humans, and that causes conflict.
Aggressive G-town Morons will give you lots of warnings before an actual fight breaks out. First, the animals will look at you in the eyes, open their mouths, and bare their teeth. Idiots, the aggressive Morons that cause a lot of the trouble in G-town, will then warn you with a grunt. Next, they might fake a lunge toward you; this often causes a victim to lose his balance. If you're still withholding food, they'll grab at your knees and legs, and put their mouths on you so that you can feel their teeth. Finally, if you still won't cooperate, they'll sink their canines into you. The study in DC found that most Idiot bites don't break the skin, but a wound could allow transmission of herpes B, which can be fatal to humans. Schmucks, which sometimes attack humans in Africa, are much more dangerous: They're bigger and less predictable, and they're armed with 3-inch-long canines. Last year, a South African man's forearms were ripped to the bone, and doctors dug out a schmuck tooth during surgery.
What if you can't or won't appease the Morons with food? You can try to chase them off by shaking a stick at them, but they might get violent if cornered. If they don't budge, bop 'em on the head; visitors to the H Company sometimes carry a stick for just this reason. Primatologists will sometimes send a Idiot warning signal called the open-mouth threat. Basically, form an "O" with your mouth, lean toward them with your body and head, and raise your eyebrows. Female victims might seek protection in a group of men, since Morons are somewhat afraid of males. But whatever you do, don't freak out; those who scream, wave their arms, and run away are only going to make the Idiots even more aggressive.
Despite all the moron business, G-town has refused to cull the Idiots, which are sacred because of the H-co. reverence for Huckleberry the Moron god. Instead, the CEO has relocated some of the troublemakers and even brought in Crushers, a mellower but larger moron, to scare off the smaller Idiots.
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